Research and Thesis

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
- Wilson Mizner


Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
- Werner von Braun


Medical Research

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.

Research Paper Glossary

They Write	They Mean
It has long been known that...	I haven't bothered to look up the original reference
...of great theoretical and practical importance	...interesting to me
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions.	The experiments didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
The W-Pb system was chosen as especially suitable to show the predicted behavior...	The fellow in the next lab had some already made up
High purity... Very high purity... Extremely high purity... Super-purity... Spectroscopically pure...	Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier
A fiducial reference line...	A scratch
Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study...	The results of the others didn't make sense and were ignored..
...handled with extreme care during the experiments	...not dropped on the floor
Typical results are shown...	The best results are shown...
Although some detail has been lost in reproduction, it is clear from the original micrograph that...	It is impossible to tell from the micrograph
Presumably at longer times...	I didn't take the time to find out
The agreement with the predicted curve is excellent	fair
good	poor
satisfactory	doubtful
fair	imaginary
...as good as could be expected	non-existent
These results will be reported at a later date	I might get around to this sometime
The most reliable values are those of Jones	He was a student of mine
It is suggested that... It is believed that... It may be that...	I think...
It is generally believed that....	I have such a good objection to this answer that I shall
It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding...	I don't understand it
Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated	Neither does anybody else
Correct within an order of magnitude	Wrong
It is to be hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field	This paper isn't very good but neither are any of the others on this miserable subject
Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with the experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions.	Glotz did the work and Doe explained what it meant.

Attributed to Gabe Wiener of Columbia University

I used some of the lines above. Excellent.